Silence

How to explain this? Sometimes when I speak, it is to say for no good reason. It is to say and not really to listen. Sometimes when I ask, it is because I am dreading the answer. I am almost a masochistic speaker. I can have an idea, a thought that I express, and then immediately regret the sharing. As in, today. A question I posed at the end of a conversation:
"So, are you coming to _____'s house tonight?"

"No, I wasn't invited."

"Ohhh, well that's probably because her mom said so.. I mean, yeah (and I trail off with some lame mumbling excuse)."

The back-story is, I know that this person I queried was not invited to attend tonight. Well, maybe I didn't know, but the evidence was clear. She is not musical, nor a performer, and I am. The event happening tonight at my friend's family's house is an event where all of the invitees are asked to perform, whether it be a song, instrument, or in my case, some poetry. I knew quite well that this person would not have been invited, if only for the fact that I know she does not practice any of these talents.

So, my reason for asking? I asked this of myself when I walked out of the room, having killed a perfectly good interaction with a sour end-note. I believe my motives were selfish. Though this person I asked evidently did not care about not having received an invitation (she made it expressly clear that she "had plans tonight" anyways), I wanted her to care. Selfishly, I wanted to present the fact of my invitation to her as a symbol of my merit and not hers. I am such a dunce.

Would I have thought for a second that the interaction would not go well, I could have avoided it. Now, however, I have another notch of awkwardness to add to an already scarred olive branch. I want peace with this person, but I provoke a certain testiness--a certain mal à l'aise between us--so that we are never fully at ease with one another. I want this to change, yet I AM THE ONE WHO WILL NOT CHANGE.

Why do humans do things like this? Are we self-punishing by nature? Repenting for the sin of having been born into a fierce world? Covering up our loneliness, our fears and our regrets with masks of sincerity and earnest. This doesn't go for everybody--I know that much. But I also know that I am not alone in this feeling of helplessness.