Me Myself and I

Being surrounded by all of them is like having my mind swathed in men. I swim in it. The thoughts, the repetition of thought and feeling, feeling unsure of what I'm feeling, and then reconsidering it all over again. The closer I get to something definite, the less I am comfortable with myself. The more I distance myself from chaos, the more I want to dive in. This head trip is maddening and exhilirating. I love the idea, the possibilities, and loathe the guilt, the doubt and the despair (sometimes). I am treading solid ground feeling as if its me that's crumbling. I truly have lost a grasp on what I value, what I desire, and what is in store for me. When I was fourteen, I wanted a tan boy and an elected position in Student Government. Now I want sex, sex, money, independent success, spontaneity, caprice, love, stability, a comfortable lover at home and one with wanderlust, another with no regrets and no regard for courtesy. I must be crazy to think I will be an ardent environmentalist, a greener fundamentalist than thou, when even my thought patterns are unsustainable, much less my desires and then my actions too... Who knows what is in store for me, and for them. I am eager, anticipating taking flight, and postponing the descent